My Coming Out Story
My Coming Out Story
If it wasn't obvious
before, I'm gay. As with a lot of gay men I've had to face a lot of
prejudice, all of it based on either fear or ignorance. I've never
understood why. I still don't understand the hatred that caused me to
be queerbashed three times.
I knew I was different at a very young age (7), but did not realise
why until I was 16. I loved reading and around that time I was reading
"The Chrysalids" by John Wyndham. The central character is a telepath
living in a future post-nuclear holocaust world where mutants are
regarded as non-humans and exterminated - at the point in the book
where David (the central character) realises that he is a mutant he
comes out with the words "what will they do to me, when they find out
I'm different?". I read this and the penny dropped with one almighty
thud. I'd worked out how I was different by then and from the
playground banter, I realised that there were a lot of people who
liked to beat up people like me and, because I was unable to defend
myself, I was terrified. For the next 14 years I kept up a pretence,
never able to drop my guard for a second. Keeping this act up became
a strain and eventually something had to give, but by then I was 30.
While I was at Wolverhampton Polytechnic, I did
try to go to the student Lesbian & Gay society meeting, but got as far
as the building before turning round in a panic. I felt miserable,
lonely and wretched, I didn't have anybody I could confide in.
The thing that finally started my coming out was the arrival at work
in 1985 of a new colleage. I'd been involved with his interview and
realised that Tony was also gay. It took me 6 months to actually tell
him, which was the most difficult thing I'd ever done in my life, but
the sense of relief was as though I'd been released from a cage.
Telling the next person wasn't quite as bad and by the Autumn I'd told
my closest friends, but not my family. I'd also gone to the Lesbian &
Gay Community Centre in Birmingham, where I finally got the support
that I'd needed for so long. I still, however, always get nervous on
meeting new people as at some point I have to agonise on whether and
when to tell them. It was only as recent as mid 2009 after hearing someone
describing how he has to come out to new people on Radio 4 that it finally
sank in that this is something that straight people never have to do.
As far as telling my family, fate stepped in with a very nasty
incident. I was interviewed by a market researcher, who took my phone
number (he said they called people at random to confirm the forms
were genuine). Then the threatening calls started, I started to jump
every time the phone went and after a few days (but it seemed like
months) I had to tell my Mum. She was upset at first, but said
"whatever happens, I'm always on your side". It was a very emotional
moment. What I hadn't realised was that the calls had actually
stopped a few days before, fear is a very powerful weapon. To this
day, I still refuse to give my phone number to market researchers.
After that, my self confidence recovered and Tony commented that
it had been noticed at work how much I'd changed. At the start of 1987,
I made my first forays onto the Birmingham gay scene having just met
my first serious boyfriend. By the end of the year, I'd joined the
local Lesbian & Gay Switchboard, attended my first Gay Pride and
come out at work (though that was because I was "outed").
The rest, as they say, is history.
Click here for
photographs of Thatcham or Newbury
Back to
personal details (Part 1)
Background is a
1931 Wolverhampton trolleybus, one of these is being restored at
the Black Country Museum in Dudley
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